My heart breaks....

Some of you know that my husband is unsaved. We were married in 1996 and I was not saved. Shortly after I became pregnant things changed in our marriage and I felt scared. It was almost like he became a different person. I really don't think I changed. When we were dating, we had similar goals and interests. We lived in separate towns while we dated, about 3 hours apart. I was very social and he seemed to like going out with my friends. He seemed to be fairly social, although somewhat shy and reserved, but seemed to have friends in his community. I have always been an active volunteer in my community and he seemed to be too. We had similar tastes in music (music has always been a very important part of my life). So, I thought we were well-matched.

When we got married, I quit my job and moved into his home. My cat that he tolerated when we were dating, was not not permitted outside of the basement laundry room except she could hang out with me in my office, as long as I was there with her. He was no longer interested in socializing and my friends and family were no longer of interest to him. The music I loved to listened to suddenly "sucked" and he always made a point of mentioning that and would turned down the volume so it was pointless to even listen to it when he was present.

When I was three months pregnant I decided to join the Anglican Church down the road. I would walk by it regularly and felt drawn to it. (I was raised Roman-Catholic, so I had some church background). My daughter was born six months later. His behaviour continued to deteriorate. I had my daughter by C-section and spent five days in the hospital. I painfully recall the day we were leaving the hospital, which should have been one of the happiest days of my life. My feet were quite swollen which is quite normal post-surgery and I needed help with my sandals. My feet were HUGE. I had a huge incision from the c-section and was not supposed to bend over so I asked my husband, Nels, if he would please help do them up. They were sport sandals with velcro straps. He begrudgingly tried to fasten them and when I stood up, they came undone. I asked him if he could do them just a little bit tighter. At that time, he swore and reefed on the straps so they were VERY tight. I was scared to ask him to adjust them so they weren't so tight so I just sat back down on the bed and sobbed. I was so hurt and scared. Then again, out in the parking lot as we were getting ready to leave we were trying to figure out how to use the baby car seat. This was all new to both of us. He's trying to put the car seat in, and I'm trying to read the instructions to him and he just tells me to shut up, that he can figure it out himself. I was devastated. I got into the front seat and let him deal with the car seat. Again, going home with our new baby was supposed to be one of our happiest moments...RUINED.

For the first couple of years that I attended church, he mocked me and my church. I'd return home from the service and he'd say "How were things at the cult meeting today?" Initially I would ask him to please not speak that way about something that was important to me but after a while, I just gave up and would roll my eyes. It is interesting that when our daughter was 9 months old, we had her baptized at my church and he participated in the ceremony and recited the pledge. He had been baptized as a child and although his parents did not attend church, he went to Sunday school a bit. He says he's a Christian because he signed a card at Sunday school saying so...I think he was five. So, baptism for our daughter was more of a ritual.

In 2002, I attended Cursillo (which is a three day emersion in Christian living and training aimed to eqip the saints). My marriage, at that time, was at it's all time low point in my opinion and I had given up hope. As a matter of fact, just prior to leaving for Cursillo, I had applied for a full-time job and was going to leave my husband if I was the successful candidate. Being at Cursillo was life-changing for me. This is where I realized that I was a wretched sinner and decided to put my faith in Jesus. On the drive home (5 hours), I really was struggling with how to deal with my marriage and I decided that I would relinquish any decision about my marriage to God. Well, I didn't get the full-time job that I wanted, but I was offered a part time casual job in that same position. I think that was God's way of saying "You're not done with your marriage yet".

Up until that point, I had been very involved in my church but once I became saved I was "on fire" for the Lord and became very passionate about my faith and my church. I believe that my faith was the only thing holding my marriage together. A non-Christian would have walked. My husband's attitude about my faith was still very negative after several years of enduring his verbal abuse, I finally told him that if it were not for my faith, I would have left him. I know it was harsh, but I was at my breaking point with him. He mellowed a bit and although he was not open to exploring faith, he didn't interfere too much in my activities. He would attend special events at my church, like Christmas Eve service or occasionally help with repairs and of course come to luncheons and suppers as long as he could leave right away.

Going to the Ambassador's Academy in California has changed me. I know that I have not given Nels the respect I should. I have justified that for the cruel behaviour he has shown me. It is not an excuse. I started to read "The Love Dare" and saw faults in myself immediately and am doing my best to change my attitude and behaviours. When I was at the Academy, there were a few married couples there...one couple was actually on their honeymoon! I saw so much love and respect between these couples. They were constantly being supportive and encouraging to each other. The way they spoke to each other makes me close to violating Commandment #10, Thou shall not covet. I want that for Nels and I and there is NO WAY that will happen unless we have a Christ-centred marriage. So when I returned from California I had a heart to heart with Nels. I told him what I experienced in California. I asked him if he was happy with our marriage the way it is RIGHT NOW and he said no, but he had given up on it being anything more. I told him that was how I felt too. I said that if we want our marriage to be more, then do you agree that we BOTH need to make changes? And he basically agreed. I told him that HE couldn't fix it and I couldn't fix it, but maybe the two of US could, if we really want it to work. I also told him that I could not imagine being in this marriage the way it is for the next 20-30 years and that I was dead serious about it. He laughed. He tends to laugh inappropriately when he's nervous. It is something that our marriage counsellor picked up when we were in counselling for a while in 2002. She pointed it out to him when she observed it and it was such a relief to have that explained to me because it helps me to understand him better. I don't have to believe that he is laughing at me, it's just that he's nervous and is not sure how to express that emotion. I can ask him, are you laughing at me, or is there something that you are concerned about. So by his reaction, I can only think that the conversation has made him nervous. He has agreed to do the "Fire Proof" marriage couples kit and hopefully we will start early in the new year.

Since that conversation, he's been making some comments about other religions and what makes Christianity so right? I just bought Ray Comfort's book "World Religions in a Nutshell" and he's been slowly reading it. He's thinking that Islam is the way to go. I think he's just trying to irritate me, but his uncle is a muslim so it's not completely impossible. I figure if he's reading Ray's book, only good can come out of it. Just the fact that he's reading the book gives me some hope for him.

Anyways, I digress. It's just a little background that brings me to last night's events at my church's Christmas event. My church has been having Advent services in the evening and last night it was combined with the annual Christmas Community Carol Sing, which we've all attended in the past. Since my daughter and I started going to this church a year ago, this was the first time my daughter was actually participating in the event. We sat together as a family during the Advent service, before my daughter had to go with her group for the entertainment part of the event. The Advent service started with responsive Psalm readings and during this portion, I could hear my husbands voice while we were responding as a congregation. My ears perked up because he doesn't usually follow along. Imagine my horror when I realized he was just reciting babble and my daughter is sitting next to him, listening to this. I leaned over to him and asked him to please not mock people here, in this place of worship. I could tell by the look on his face that he knew he was busted...but he just smirked and said, "I'm not". The Psalm finished and we went into a Christmas carol and I could hear him singing "jibberish" and this time I turned to him and asked him to "Stop it". He said "I'm not...I'm singing". My daughter was trying not to laugh. He stopped doing whatever he was doing. This is just so typical of his attitude. When he's attended Christmas eve services at my church, he often refuses to stand when the pastor asks people to rise and I've had to ask him to please follow along. I don't force him to come to the services, but when he's there he needs to be respectful to others there and at least show some respect to his Creator!

So, I'm having this dilemma. Should I continue to invite him to join us at church services/events?...or do I just encourage him to stay home.